I feel like I’m slogging through life right now. I wake up each morning between 4 and 4:30 am, disjointed and exhausted. We have a little person in our family who is really struggling with sleep. We are hoping a sleep study in October reveals something to help her. I feel like I walk most of my days in a haze, completely dependent on caffeine.
Sleep is an essential part of health and well being. I have come to realize these past few weeks that without it, I turn into a bitter, tired, angry, annoyed and weary person. I show up for the things I need to – working hard to put on that strong persona. However, come 5 pm, I’m spent. Worn and weary.
Today I tackled the bed linens. It was time to wash those sheets and I’d put it off long enough. I found myself lugging the clean sheets upstairs, each step heavier than the last.
I started in Desta’s room. As I began pulling the bedding onto her mattress, the words just started flowing from my mouth. “God, I’m so very tired. I’m also so very ashamed of how I’ve spoken to my children these past days.” I continued on, laying out my weary heart and unfurling my deepest feelings of guilt for not being a great mom, for not showing patient love.
Next was Tobin’s room. He has a bunk bed so there was a fair amount of choice words as I attempted to make that bed. However, as I began slipping pillows in their cases, I spoke aloud again. “Bless the head that lies on this pillow. Care for the heart that dreams and wishes and loves others.”
Finally, our room. A king sized bed that requires multiple back and forth tugging. So went my heart. Back and forth tugging; feeling the depth of my soul.
See life right now has been a long slow slog. Almost every night we are out. I find myself driving hundreds of miles a week – practically living at the gas station. I even have a snack bin in my car because we are so often out during meal times.
This pace – fall and three schools, high school, middle school, elementary school – it’s been grueling. Matt and I have been ships passing in the night. It’s hard to summon the energy for conversation beyond the next to do list.
However, I know that this life, this pace, these activities have all been chosen with careful thought and intentionality. We chose each sport and activity our kids are in – and they are turning into wonderful human beings.
My simple lesson today is this – take my weariness and let it out. Speak words of truth amidst my daily chores. Speak life and hope as I walk around this house. Allow silence to be as loud as words. And above all, love.
I’m finishing Shauna Niequist’s book, Present Over Perfect. As I reflect on my day today, this excerpt came to mind.
This isn’t about working less or more, necessarily. This isn’t about homemade or takeout, or full time or part time, or the specific ways we choose to live out our days. It’s about rejecting the myth that every day is a new opportunity to prove our worth, and about the truth that our worth is inherent, given by God, not earned by our hustling.
This sign hangs in our kitchen as a reminder. Some days I do it really well. Most days I don’t. However, it’s not about what I do but rather who I belong to!