I’ve been mulling over the phrase “beautifully broken” today. In my search to find a journal with a few empty pages, I came across one I had written in at last year’s Passion for Orphan’s conference. I took thousands of notes while listening to the speakers and this phrase kept up popping up.
I’ve encountered a lot of brokenness lately –in my life and in those lives around me. It’s hard to be in the center of brokenness with those you love. It looks different for each of us – we each have messy lives filled with pot holes and gaping holes. For children brought into our homes through adoption, messy describes the entire experience. Messy situations, messy feelings, messy paperwork, messy relationships. It is broken and hard.
Yet like the phrase says, it’s beautifully broken. In the past 24 hours, I’ve seen beauty rise from ashes. As a mother, it’s been very painful to walk alongside my child. Funny thing is, for her, the healing moments have given her closure. She’s been able to sleep like a baby, sing and play like a 7 year old. And I’ve been working hard to hold it all together. My feelings are so closely layered on my sleeves. I look at her, see the profound brave work she did at therapy yesterday and just want to cry my eyes out.
I see so starkly the brokenness that she’s had to carry. I am angry for her, I’m sad with her, I’m deeply hurt by the circumstances of her life before she came into mine.
Lisa Qualls from Thankful Moms said it so well last year. “We are not our children’s healers. God is. We serve. We love. God heals.”
It’s hard to stand back and allow God to heal in his time. I remember holding Desta as a little 9 lb. 5 month old, determined to keep pain at bay, help her body heal and show her selfless love. I resolved that nothing would ever hurt her again. Little did I know that the very act of saving would result in hurting. See, to bring Desta towards healing we had to take her from her culture, her family, everything that she knew. We created deep vacuums of pain, questions and loss. That is the story of adoption. It’s simultaneously beautiful and broken.
So today, I will serve and love and allow God to heal. I cling to His words, His promises that he is making us new.
Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. Psalm 28:9
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13